Clash of the "Clash of the Titans"

When one speaks of the 1981 cult classic film Clash of the Titans, you may be wondering who is in the cult. Who loves this movie even though it's terrible? Well, I'm one of them. I've always had a fascination for Greek mythology, and that movie was fun for me. Few films about Greek mythology have not been added to my favorites...until last night.

Essentially exhibiting the same problems from the first film but with much more gusto, Louis Leterrier's 2010 remake is a cinematic representation of our beloved Bubo the owl; all mechanics and no heart. This movie is more overstuffed than a NY Deli sandwich. Louis Leterrier must've just sat in a room, surrounded by photographs of various actors, locations and monsters to put in this movie. As a result of this overstuffing, this movie has no time to add anything meaningful.

A slew of master thespians wasn't enough to excavate this movie from the Underworld. Ralph Fiennes, one of my favorites, was resorted to a bearded Voldemort. Liam Neeson, at a constant 45 degree angle from the camera, seemed to just walk around not really knowing what's going on until the big "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" moment, which having heard approximately 300 times in trailers really lost its mojo. Sam Worthington's Perseus is just as mis-cast as Harry Hamlin's and is little more than a brick with a sword. Bond alumni Madds Mikkelsen and Gemma Arterton play their parts barely sufficiently. The casting seems similar to 1981's with pretty, rookie actors (Worthington, Hamlin) as the humans and aged, proven thespians (Neeson, Olivier) as the Gods.

The poor performances of the actors couldn't have been predicted, but certainly someone read over the script (written by Aeon Flux 'veteran' Travis Beachem) and said, "does anyone care about anyone?" But they didn't, and then the audience didn't. This story follows a slight outline to the previous Clash wherein Perseus is the bastard son of Zeus who's nefarious for disguising himself as various people/animals/weather and laying claim to the ladies. Adopted father murdered by Hades (Fiennes), Perseus goes on a redemption mission to kill Hades, but first he must kill the Kraken. Which conveniently is going to show up to Argos to kill people for their king's sleight against the Gods, if they don't sacrifice their princess first (who cares?). So off Persues goes, accompanied by Draco (Mikkelsen) as a protectorate, Io (Arterton) as a creepy stalker/guide and a band of merry men to assault various baddies to find out how to kill the Kraken.

Good references should be subtle and hidden. Like the Millennium Falcon is Star Wars: Episode III. Not shoved in your face like when Perseus finds Bubo (which in 3D showings, may have actually been shoved in your face. I wouldn't know), or when Hades unnecessarily hires Calibos to...do...things (who cares?). Long story short, Perseus goes to the Stygian witches (who, while blind and have their eye taken away can still follow it when Perseus throws it) who tells them to kill Medusa and use her head to kill the Kraken. They fight Calibos, scorpions, Medusa and the Kraken. Hades has a master plan to defeat Zeus for locking him in the basement. Perseus is in love with Io, I think. The sacrificial princess is not sacrificed, but is still in the splash zone of the Kraken when he comes calling. Then the princess is sacrificed, but the Kraken continues. Perseus kills the Kraken and the some other things happen. Again, I never really cared. Perseus wants to kill the Gods as a man, but being a demi-God he physically can't. He consistently rejects gifts by the Gods to aid him in his quest. The thing is, it's not like he can just turn off being a demi-God. By definition, if he wins this battle, it's because he's a demi-God, whether he wants to be or not. Dumb. Also, Pegasus is black. Okay.

I wanted this movie to be good sooooooo bad. But it wasn't. The one thing this movie had going for it was the CGI. In most cases, the effects were very attractive. The exceptions lie in Medusa's face, and the generality of the Kraken. The action was cool, and I can hear people saying now, "We just want to have fun and see people fight scorpions!". Well sure, who doesn't? But is it too much to ask to write a logical plot that involves scorpion killing? After reading other reviews, I believe I was smart to see this in 2D as I've heard that the 3D up-convert is inherently worthless. 

So if you want to see tamed scorpions, Voldemort with a beard, Ents and good actors gone bad, Clash of the Titans is where you need to be.